I was considering posting this on social media or my own private journal but I decided to post this here which is… kind of public but not really. I thought some amount of publicity is good because it does make me think more about what I’m about to write (my private journal entries are not very introspective and tend to spiral badly, which is great for capturing raw emotions but not useful this time I reckon).
2024 is a weird year for me. This whole year, I’m living with my wife in Japan while doing work online to Singapore, travelling back a total of 4 times just for work purposes.
It sounds fine but to be honest there were lots of ups and downs mentally and emotionally. I feel like there are so many issues but they are so fragmented and interconnected to each other that it is difficult to pinpoint a common issue or issues. It’s like an ant’s nest where there are many tunnels, where some tunnels are connected in seemingly random ways which you can’t put a finger to.
I’ll start somewhere.
I feel like overall, there is this general sense of loss.
Sometimes there is this feeling of loneliness, like I’m people-starved. It kind of makes sense. I’m not going out there to bars or cafes to meet new people. I’m just staying mostly at home doing my own thing. Sometimes my wife goes out with her classmates, which is okay but you know… I don’t have anyone to go out with other than my wife. Sure I have friends working here but they either live too far, or they are too busy (thanks japan work culture), or I’m not close to them, or that I just plain don’t enjoy being with them. Sadly they aren’t friends I really care about. Streaming did help since I am streaming for friends whom I care about. Discording with them helps too. But nothing beats flying back to eat with them and sing karaoke with them physically. Now that I think about it, I think I go out a lot more back in Singapore than in Japan to meet friends…?
To add on to the loneliness, I feel like outside of my lovely and understanding wife, I have no one else to talk about things I’m truly interested to talk about. I think I’m growing tired talking about… things that are publicly ok to talk about? Ok that came out weird but what I mean is that I want have a real meaning conversation with others, as if they are in a safe environment where they are not being judged. I feel like the most interesting thing I’m ever going to get from others is gossip and updates about someone we know or from their workplaces. All that is fine but what I’m really trying to find out when people talk is to find out more about them… and talking about stuff does reveal somethings about their way of thinking and perspective and whatever (which, again, is fine) but… let’s say I want to do or get something I feel deeply is meaningful to them, I feel like it’s both hard to ask for something more personal and also it does feel like it’s kind of strange to ask in the culture I’m in. I guess I just want to know my friends more personally…
And speaking of talking about topics, I want to talk about the decline of software engineering, I want to talk about implications of AI, I want to talk about personality theory, I want to talk about deep implications of gacha mechanics, I want to talk about issues with modern programming, I want to talk about society dying to death by a million cuts… I don’t see many people who are interested in any of that. Sure, I have MADE people interested, but I want to talk to someone who already did think about these things so that we can have a full on discussion, you know?
But maybe all my friends already can talk to me about these things Maybe all we need is a podcast! Or maybe I need to engage in a community? Or maybe migrate? I don’t know.
Speaking of friends, this year was also a lot of loss of motivation or passion for… things. The thing is, normally I feel like I would always find a way to be motivated to do something. But this year, it felt like this energy is not directed anywhere. I didn’t feel like making games, didn’t feel like upgrading my skills in programming, didn’t feel like working, etc. A lot of times, I felt like there’s no point. The last game I tried to make was painful to finish. Deeper programming topics only sound ‘somewhat’ interesting.
And as for my day job…well, I felt like I have already done all I wanted to do to improve the courses I teach there. I mean, I have already voiced my concerns only to be met on deaf ears year after year, so what’s the point? I understand the direction the school is going, I understand why we need to go that direction and there is honestly nothing even the school itself can do. So why bother other than to write materials so that I can start a course or school of my own? And there are just so many students now that it feels that my job is just to make sure the ship (ship being the courses I run) doesn’t sink, instead of trying to elevate every individual’s abilities.
Next is my issue with programming. I felt lost about it too. It feel like there’s nothing more that I want to learn at the moment. Maybe it’s burn out, or maybe I feel like pursuing something else is more worth my time. A part of me feels like my being, experiences and understand of the world is too shallow to start writing what I feel is a meaningful product. I have tried doing challenges like Advent of Code, hoping it would spark something, but after a year it…kind of didn’t (although it did make me improve the library I’m maintaining a little bit).
2024 isn’t all bad though. Looking back, I did set out to develop some kind of artistic taste and style. I started to glamour a lot more in FFXIV, played with shaders, played around with making websites, played around with vim colorschemes and my streaming setup, and it was super fruitful!
Maybe I need to do more of that. Try things out. Develop some taste. Maybe I need to go back to doing karaoke, singing songs, watching movies and actually clearing my backlog of games. I think 2024 will be a year of going back out there and experience more things, like cooking and exercise!
2025 will be the year and it will start when I settle back to Singapore on March!
(I hope…)